But try this one on for size: President Bush. The two have
more in common than you probably imagined.
They both know how to manipulate religion for maximum gain. They’re both unapologetic. They both have Daddy issues.
They both know how to manipulate religion for maximum gain. They’re both unapologetic. They both have Daddy issues.
Most importantly, they both know how to energize their base
when the chips are down. Dubya, stung by sinking polls, nominated Samuel Alito
to the U.S. Supreme Court to appease his Bible-banging supporters. And Madonna,
stung by sinking sales, has recorded her gayest album yet … to appease her
butt-banging supporters.
Confessions on a Dance
Floor is a cutting-edge, nonstop mix of euphoric party music that demands
attention from the opening track, “Hung Up,” which makes clever use of a sample
from Abba’s “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight),” to the shameless but
irresistible “I Love New York.”
Madonna’s popularity may be waning among youngsters, but her
gay fans are here to stay. Let’s take a look back on the many faces of our
beloved spiritual leader.
“The Boy Toy”
(1983-1985)
Shocks the world with her bustier-and-crucifix look.
Inspires a flock of “wannabes,” a word that would be added to the American
Heritage Dictionary in 2000. Musical
achievement: “Into the Groove.” Cinematic
achievement: Desperately Seeking
Susan. Deep thoughts: “The world
is in such bad shape at the moment, who wants to hear about it in songs? They
want songs about falling in love and being lonely” (Melody Maker, 1983).
“The Wife” (1986-1988)
Marries paparazzi-phobic actor Sean Penn. Shocks the world
with bad acting. Musical achievement: “Open
Your Heart.” Cinematic achievement: Shanghai Surprise, a bomb co-starring
her husband. Daddy issues: “Don’t
you stop loving me, Daddy / I know, I’m keeping my baby” (“Papa Don’t Preach,”
1986).
“The Bisexual Fag Hag”
(1989-1991)
Shocks the world with Vatican-denounced “Like a Prayer”
(costing her a deal with Pepsi) and MTV-banned “Justify My Love.” Hangs out
with queers Rosie O’Donnell and Sandra Bernhard (allegedly stealing her lover,
Ingrid Casares). Musical achievement: “Vogue.”
Cinematic achievement: Truth or Dare, a documentary of
backstage bonding with gay dancers on her Blonde Ambition tour. Daddy issues: “You never loved me / You
can’t hurt me now / I got away from you” (“Oh Father,” 1989).
“The Slut” (1992-1994)
Adopts the S/M persona of Dita. Sleeps around with NBA
stars. Shocks the world with a profanity-laced appearance on Letterman. Starts
her own label, Maverick Records. Musical
achievement: Erotica, arguably
her best album. Cinematic achievement: Body of Evidence, a supposedly erotic
thriller shot in Portland. Literary achievement: Sex, an adults-only photo book. Deep thoughts: “Can you make a fire
without using wood?” (“Where Life Begins,” a 1992 ode to cunnilingus).
“The Mother”
(1995-1996)
Shocks the world by cleaning up her act, with a concerted
effort to start a family. Hooks up with Carlos Leon and gives birth to Lourdes
Maria. Musical achievement: Something to Remember, a compilation of
her best ballads. Cinematic achievement:
Evita, which earns her a Golden
Globe. Deep thoughts: “I don’t think
I’ll ever make another selfish decision as long as I have her” (The Associated
Press, 1996).
“The Guru” (1997-1999)
Embraces yoga and Kabbalah, Judaism’s mystical tradition.
Experiments with electronica. Musical
achievement: “Beautiful Stranger,” an Oscar-snubbed pop masterpiece from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Deep thoughts: “In the form of a man up
to the shoulders / Holding a conch, discus and sword / Thousand headed, white /
I bow respectfully / Peace” (English translation of 1997’s “Shanti/Ashtangi”).
“The Brit” (2000-2005)
Marries Limey filmmaker Guy Ritchie and gives birth to Rocco
John. Shocks the world by taking up pheasant hunting in her adopted England.
Hangs out with fashion designer/Beatles heiress Stella McCartney and
actress/Apple mama Gwyneth Paltrow. Adopts the Hebrew name of Esther. Musical achievement: an acoustic
performance of “Don’t Tell Me” on Letterman showing off her new guitar skills. Cinematic achievement: Swept Away, a bomb directed by her
husband. Literary achievement: The English Roses, the first in a series
of children’s books. Daddy issues: “My father had to go to work / I used to
think he was a jerk / I didn’t know his heart was broken / Not another word was
spoken” (“Mother and Father,” 2003). Deep
thoughts: “I don’t want people to dress like me anymore. Now, I want them
to think like me. Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything
will be fine” (People, 2003).
“The Cougar
Philanthropist” (2006-2014)
Dates men half her age … not that there’s anything wrong
with that. Shocks the world while promoting her album MDNA by making a cheeky reference
to MDMA. (“How many people in this crowd have seen Molly?”) Signs
unprecedented $120M tour deal with Live Nation and $40M record deal with Interscope. Launches
the projects Raising Malawi (which has built 10 schools to educate thousands of
children) and Art for Freedom (a global digital initiative designed to
fuel free speech). Adopts David Banda Mwale and Chifundo “Mercy”
James. Cinematic achievement:
W.E., a bomb directed by her. Musical achievement: the
most-watched Super Bowl halftime show in history, drawing more viewers than
the game itself by a 16 percent margin. Deep thoughts: “The ones that said I was talentless,
that I was chubby, that I couldn’t sing, that I was a one-hit wonder — they
pushed me to be better, and I am grateful for their resistance” (Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame induction speech, 2008). Daddy issues: “I was raised in the Midwest, and he is the personification of Midwestern values. He gave me the work ethic that I have. If I’m a hard-working girl, that never stops. It’s because of him” (Detroit Free Press, 2012).
“The Conceptual Artist” (2015-present)
Shocks the world with experimental, intimate performances. Debuts the vaudevillian show “Tears of a Clown,” featuring corny jokes, tricycle riding and ukulele playing. Adopts the persona of Madame X, who “is not only a secret agent, but a freedom fighter, dancer, professor, housekeeper, prisoner, student, mother, child, nun, singer and a whore.” Adopts twin sisters Estere and Stella. Outlives her cultural peers David Bowie and Prince. Musical achievement: global influences from Russian ballet (Tchaikovsky), French house (Mirwais), Colombia (Maluma), Brazil (Anitta), Cape Verde (Orquestra Batukadeiras) and her new home of Portugal (fado guitar prodigy Gaspar Varela). Cinematic achievement: pre-production of Taking Flight: From War Orphan to Star Ballerina, based on Michaela DePrince’s memoir, and The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells, based on Andrew Sean Greer’s novel. Daddy issues: “Slow down, papi” (“Medellin,” 2019). Deep thoughts: “People have always been trying to silence me for one reason or another, whether it’s that I’m not pretty enough, I don’t sing well enough, I’m not talented enough, I’m not married enough, and now it’s that I’m not young enough. So they just keep trying to find a hook to hang their beef about me being alive on. Now I’m fighting ageism, now I’m being punished for turning 60” (Vogue, 2019).
Originally published
in Just Out, Nov. 18, 2005 (updated
content added Jan. 21, 2014 and June 4, 2020)
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